Sunday September 14th, 2003
A trip to the movies
I was sitting on my couch eating a bag of "Cheesy crunch" (I can't afford Cheetos) when my brother walks through the front door with two very attractive young women. As if being in my boxers with orange dust all over my face wasn't embarrassing enough, not only was I watching "Red Dawn" but I was watching it from a DVD. Long story short the three of them were going to see "Once upon a time in Mexico" and they invited me to go. I'm not sure if they really wanted me to come or if they asked out of courtesy. It was a tough call. On the one hand I could watch a teenage Patrick Swazey with a mullet and Charlie Sheen kill Russians and drink deer blood, on the other I could throw on some pants and venture out into public with my brother and two attractive women and watch Johnny Depp be cool. When I realized I could pause my DVD player and return at any time the choice was clear.
I hate going to movies on opening weekend. The last movie I made the mistake of trying to see on opening weekend was Harry Potter. I ended up in the front row pelted with gummy bear projectiles while two kids spent an hour and a half yelling "No stop it" at each other. Maybe it was because all the movies that have come out in the last year or so have sucked, maybe it was because the audience for a movie like this usually isn't awake before two. Either way the place was empty.
As we walked into the theater my brother lead the group down the center isle. He sat down and Jen sat down next to him. Jackie then sat down next to Jen. I wasn't sure about the etiquette, should I walk across the three and sit next to my brother, or sit down next to Jackie, a perfect stranger with a large chest? I've made a lot of mistakes in this area and was over thinking it a lot. Finally I concluded that I can always hit on a girl later on but making an ass out of yourself in front of family lasts forever. I walked across the three of them and sat down next to my Brother.
Some where around the line, "Are you a Mexi-can, or a Mexi-can't?"(See footnote #1 ) I noticed Scott and Jen making out with a rather unhappy Jackie sitting on the other side of them. Maybe I chose wrong. Walking from the theater my brother talked about how cool the movie was. Of course he loved the movie, he made out with a hottie pausing only to watch a waterfall of blood and bullets. Hell any movie is good under those conditions. I have a friend who thought "Battlefield Earth" was the greatest movie ever made. It was only after he bought the DVD that he admitted that it might have had something to do with the fact that when he saw it in the theater his girlfriend was very nice to him in an oral fashion. The only way I can relate is that I once thought Austin Powers was the worst movie ever made. I asked a girl out to see the movie and when I met her in the theater her boyfriend was there to see it with us. (Footnote #2)
After the movie Jackie left the group to go study for an exam. That's about the point I started to feel old. Sometimes I forget that my brother is three years younger than me and that some of his friends are even younger still. Scott and Jen went into the back room and I turned up the volume a little bit so that the sound of frustrated Columbians and Russians trying to kill Patrick Swayze would drown them out.
Footnote #1: Yes this was an actual
line from the movie. This combined with Antonio's sudden ability to
climb walls like Spiderman made the movie rather... different. I'm
no reviewer so I'll just say if you want blood and are capable of
turning off the logic portion of your brain it's a decent rental.
Footnote #2: I have since accepted that Austin Powers is indeed a very funny movie but at the time I wanted Mike Myers to be drowned in his own feces.
