Saturday June 7th, 2003
Failures and Daddy's
I get a fair number of people asking why I don't have more entries for the weekend about me trying to pick up women. The truth is there's not much I can write about total failures. If I walk up to a girl and she shoots me down in less than a minute there's not really much I can write about. For those of you who still want an account of who I hit on this weekend despite the fact that it was fairly uneventful here you go.
Me and my "posse" consisting of my roommate Kevin, and our friend Dan left my apartment around tenish for a nice little bar called "Daddy's." We made a pit stop for gas and breath strips as we discussed whether or not you could smell the KFC on Dan over the gallon of Drakkar he bathed in before coming out. A Volkswagon Jetta filled with what could have been Britney Spears back up dancers pulled up across from us.
I tried to think of a witty way of starting a conversation but the
stifling sobriety of this early hour killed what little nerve I normally
might have had. This of course resulted in a nice conversation with
Dan.
Dan: You talk to her.
Me: No you talk to her.
Dan: You're the ugly guy with the website.
Me: You're the asshole with the limp dick.
Dan: Shut the fuck up man they can hear you.
Me: They can't hear me.
Dan: Than why are they laughing?
Me: Cause Kevin is imitating you behind your back.
(Side note: By Dan's request I must put in the disclaimer that I have no idea as to his ability to get or maintain an erection. The comment I made was entirely to embarrass him and in no way represents anything I know or have heard. I will however say that Dan is a little bitch and I bet he has herpes.)
The girls drove off and we left for our bar. When we arrived at Daddy's there was already a short line. Just in front of us was a tall well-endowed brunette and a shorter (Yet still taller than me in high heels) blonde wearing standard hoochie attire and a belly chain. Trying to avoid the crap my friends would give me once we got inside and knowing I miss all the shots I don't take I tried to talk to them. Unfortunately this resulted in a few minutes of the short answer game. "So how long have you two been waiting?" To which the blonde responds, "Not long." I tried two or three more questions to start a conversation but she just wouldn't have it. Two girls got in line behind us and I tried the same thing with the same results.
Once inside the deafening music and dark light seemed to be slightly inviting. We had chosen this bar because citysearch.com said it was the #1 pick up bar in L.A. Either they lie or I'm a bigger loser than I thought.
We collectively approached a group of five girls thinking there was power in numbers. Kevin lucked out. The first girl of the five he started talking to was the one the other four were taking out to help her get over the boyfriend who cheated on her. After it was made very clear that the other four couldn't care less if Dan and I spontaneously combust we left Kevin to talk to his new girl as we went on the prowl.
Since both Dan and I are very poor we waited until we saw two girls with more than halfway full drinks before hitting on them. (I can barely afford food let alone alcohol for a stranger who will most likely end the night with a handshake and a "Nice to meet you.") A short white girl with dyed reddish brown hair and a taller half-Hawaiian half-Japanese girl were the first two we approached. We found out that they were roommates at Hawaii State University and of course one had a boyfriend and the other was going back to Hawaii in two days.
The next two girls we talked two were a little more interesting. "Ashley" as we'll call her, works as a fact checker for a game show. She spends more than half her day online talking to her friends and the rest of it researching things like "What year was the first Atari game released and what was it?" With Ashley was "Amber." Amber moved to L.A. from Utah and works as an assistant to a talent agent who deals strictly with child actors. Both girls were very cool to talk to and we talked to them for the next hour. (Yes we bought them a round of drinks but after an hour you think your chances are pretty good.) Shortly after buying them the next round we find out that the girl that Dan is hitting on, Ashley, lives with her boyfriend. I on the other hand am still in the game. Dan, good friend that he is, continues to talk to them with me for the next half-hour or so. Things are going well and as last call is announced and I can tell they will be leaving soon I ask for Amber's number. She says she doesn't think that's such a good idea. I pretend not to care and go with Dan to find Kevin, our ride.
Kevin says he's going to a diner and hands me his keys. He tells me not to wait up. I drop off Dan and drive home, alone. I go to sleep wondering what I'm doing wrong. This is where my journal entry should stop but unfortunately it doesn't.
I'm awoken at about four a.m. to the sound of someone killing a dog. At least that's what I assumed it was, when I'm awoken from a dead sleep it's hard to pick up on what's going on. After putting on some pants and walking into the hallway I realize the sound is coming from Kevin's room. Turns out the sound isn't someone killing a dog but my roommate having sex with an attractive complete and total stranger. I try to go back to sleep with the sound of them going at it like a couple of howler monkeys in the background. And you wonder why I never post days like these.
