Suaturday January 31st, 2004
Dan's Birthday
Among my class of friends you never need a good excuse to drink.
If however someone happens to have one, we gladly take it. Tonight’s
excuse to drink was thanks to Dan’s parents having sex 24 years
and 9 months ago. Dan elected to celebrate his birthday at his favorite
local bar, “The Chimney Sweep.” Conflicting schedules
didn’t allow Steph to attend which I saw as a mixed blessing.
I felt it was a little early for her to see me in the unintelligible
state I would almost undoubtedly be in by the end of the night.
When we arrived there were just the five of us playing darts in the
back. As time went on friends and co-workers began to stream through
the door. Now before I go forward it’s important to realize
that everyone likes Dan. Wait let me reword that. Everyone likes DRUNK
Dan, other than myself and a few select others most people think sober
Dan is quiet and fades into the background. Luckily it was drunk Dan’s
birthday and tomorrow it would undoubtedly be my job to tell sober
Dan all the things we got him to do.
By the time it hit midnight drunk Dan had arrived and he was inviting
random people over to sit with us. Yelling something unintelligible
about it being his birthday and doing what he wanted (As well as some
other thing about a “Cock sandwich” which I couldn’t
make out) Dan introduced himself to nearly every person in the bar
and loudly proclaimed it was his birthday. As 2am came we were kicked
out of the bar and Dan invited all his friends, co-workers, as well
as a dozen people he had met that night, back to his place for more
drinks or to sober up. Thirty people quickly became about a dozen
as we walked the block to Dan’s place.
Now back at Dan’s place the dozen or so people crowded his apartment
as the drinking continued at a lower pace and people sobered up on
chocolate birthday cake. At one point drunk Dan decided he needed
a pack of cigarettes but his girlfriend wouldn’t let him leave.
She took his money and said she was going. Knowing the dangers of
the valley at night I offered to walk with her. Hearing of our trek
for cancer two more people joined us and some random girl gave me
money to buy her a pack of cigarettes.
The walk there consisted of an embarrassing story about Dan, memories
of high school, and an explanation of why I can’t eat anything
flavored coconut. On the walk back we talked about food allergies,
masturbating at work, and how reality TV is making it hard for actors
to find work, like it was easy before. Upon arriving at the apartment,
Dan thanked his girlfriend for the cigarettes and started packing
his cigarettes while continuing a conversation on how the internet
revolutionized porn. I saw the girl who gave me money to buy her cigarettes
and I gave her the pack of Marlboro lights she requested as well as
change. To this she replied, “Oh my god you bought me cigarettes
that’s so thoughtful,” and proceeded to place her tongue
in my mouth.
After what I’m told was less than a minute she broke off her
kiss and went out front to smoke a cigarette. Now keep in mind Dan
and I have many of the same friends, some of whom even know about
this site. Aside from that, my dry spell isn’t exactly a closely
guarded secret. I stood there dumbfounded for a moment and then I
suddenly realized where I was and that I was still standing. I turned
my gaze to the crowd of friends who stared back at me with the same
look of shock and disbelief I’m sure I displayed. The silence
was broken by Dan erupting in laughter followed by a, “Dude
that was awesome.” After quickly asking around it turns out
no one knows the girl. She must have been one of the few who joined
us from the bar. She wasn’t bad looking but not as attractive
as Steph. Oh god Steph, what would she think about this? I’m
actually really interested in Steph and I never expected anything
like this to happen. I rolled through a dozen scenarios in my head
of how things could go. They ranging from becoming a super pimp to
living alone in a small apartment with a lot of cats named after the
seven dwarves. Finally I decided I wasn’t that smooth and I
should focus on one girl at a time, and that girl was Steph.
Having never rejected a girl I had no idea what I should do. I tried
thinking of all the things women have said to me when they weren’t
interested and applying them to women. “I just happen to prefer
women who are a bit more athletic.” Great I could call her fat
and get a knee to the groin. “You remind me too much of my sister.”
Yea my sister is a whore who French kisses me every time I do the
dishes. Finally I decided to just wing it. I opened the door and looked
for the girl who kissed me but I couldn’t see her past my friend
Clay kissing some random gi—Oh I guess I don’t have to
say anything to her after all. A number of my friends consoled me
used bad analogies involving the amount of marine life contained in
the ocean. I wonder what they’d have said if they knew what
was going through my mind. I returned indoors to hear Dan recall the
event for one of our mutual friends. “I just about pissed myself
laughing.” Glad to know I wasn’t the only one.
