Guestbook

February 18th, 2003
Mike,
When I offered last summer to design you a website, this isn't what I had in mind. Still, I offered, and I intend to make you whatever you want.
Let me state for the record that this website will probably get you killed, or at least get your car firebombed by angry feminists.

Enjoy the site, and good luck. I'm hesitant to even be affiliated with it.

David

February 26th 2003
O.K. I've gotten a lot of e-mail that falls in one of two catagories:
1. I eat ass, if you have an ass, I will eat it. Oh yea I shit in a bag and sent it to your P.O. box.
2. Why didn't you put my other e-mail in your guest book? Put it in, it was funny. It was the one about eating your ass.
Although I find these amusing in a Ted Bundy wearing a bozo wig kinda way, I'd rather get some real e-mail. Again, I will not post e-mail addresses of anyone who writes me. Feel free to write anything you want. My only request is that it's intersting.

--Me

March 2003
im having a capture the flag game this weekend. wanna come? theyres bound to be girls there that will take a liking to you.
wanna?

-random asian girl
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." - Matt Groening

Hiya random asian girl,
I might be up for that, where and what time? Oh yea and if you could give me a little more detail about yourself that'd be cool. Half the "Girls" who have written me have turned out to be fraternities wanting to duck tape my butt cheaks shut. Let me know the info.

-Mike
P.S. love the quote.

March 2003
Mike,
Your website is absolutely hilarious! Here's a
tip--Hef likes to hang out at Barfly on Sunset on
Friday nights. I once saw him there on a Thursday,
but that was Halloween night.

And here's another tip--if you're doing the Sunset
thing, it's more about style and attitude than money.
I see a lot of expensively-dressed guys standing or
dancing by themselves. I also see a lot of guys with
a very interesting look--think about the way Brad Pitt
would dress in Fight Club--who get a lot more
attention than the guys standing around in expensive
suits. Your clothes speak a lot about your attitude
and way of life--it's an illusion that women are
automatically attracted by money and money alone.
They're attracted to a particular lifestyle and way of
living that you can offer them.

By the way, I'm not particularly good looking either,
but I'm attractive to women because I'm CONFIDENT. If
you want to start getting some action, the first thing
you ought to do is delete your website.

Good luck!
Chris

Hey Chris,
Thanks for the advice. I think you're right about most of what you've said but I have a few problems (as if you didn't know). First off having no experience with an even moderately attractive woman it's hard to fake confidence with actually attractive ones. Maybe after some type of success I will actually get some real confidence but that just hasn't happened yet.

Second, the style and dress is an issue. Most of my wardrobe has holes or a Hanes label. The only thing interesting about my look is how I can go out in public looking as I do. That's one of the things I plan on using the donations for. As far as deleting the website you might be right about that too, but I'm anonymous for the most part and I like to entertain people. Thanks for the advice.

Mike

March 2003
Hey,

I liked your page...we're like brothers.
I'm 23...almost 24...zero experiences w/ the fairer sex...you're not the only one. I have a lot of friends that don't really get much "action" either...you either have a lot of partners or don't. There really isn't an in between. Not everyone is having sex.
You should put a PayPal link on your site...nobody's going to put $ or a check in an envelope and mail it to you. It's 2003!
I think deep down you know that going to those flashy LA bars is a waste of time. There are very few guys who "do well" @ those places.
Whatever.

This e-mail hits on a lot of points that most of my e-mail covers. Those favorite topics are as followed:

1. There seems to be a lot of guys out who aren't doing so hot with the ladies and seem to see me as some how waging a war in the name of geeky guys everywhere. I wish my cause was that noble. Again I will do anything in my power to help not only myself, but others who are as pathetic as I through the Charity Cases. I'll remind everyone again that I'm still accepting submissions.

2. I do actually have a pay pal link on my site!!! it's at the bottom of the "Make a donation of cash" part of the donations page. It's the white button that says "Make a donation." Let me say again that all donations are greatly appreciated, and that includes donations of any type. I recently received a donation from "Dan" in Hatboro P.A. that consisted of a gift certificate to Banana Republic for $20 and a $10 starbucks card. I don't know if people know how much this helps. I hope to make it more clear in the journals. Every type of donation is extremely appreciated. Most of my little mastermind projects and ideas that I think might work and would be hilarious for all those reading just need a little funding. Any little bit helps. You can donate as little as a dollar using the pay pal. A dollar doesn't buy much these days unless you're alf, but if I get enough of them I might be able to get myself arrested or achieve my life long goal!!!

3. A lot of people, almost a third of the e-mail I've gotten touches on this point. Everyone tells me not to go to the bars to meet women but few offer options. Even fewer think I've actually tried. Well I have. For your information I have been rejected by women in the following places.
Bars
Clubs
Grocery Stores
Coffee Houses
Mc Donalds drive thru (Hey she was cute)
picking up my mail
Getting a parking ticket (She wasn't as cute but I could use the practice and I couldn't pay the ticket. Still got it though) Obviously I don't have the best idea what I'm doing with women so give me some ideas. Where should I go? What should I say? My two biggest pick up lines are "Come here often?" and "You gonna eat that?" and neither seems to be working very well right now. Your suggestions might help.

March 9th, 2003
Reading over my recent e-mails it seems a lot of people are interested in the kinds of e-mails I've been receiving. In an effort to make my readers happy I have decided to list a few e-mails that particularly stand out. I will also announce that I have my first Charity Case! I will spend a few days figuring out how to present it on my site but soon I'll introduce the world to "Bill" (Not his real name of course, like myself I choose to protect the losers of the world.) Anyway that aside here are some examples of the dozens of e-mails I don't put on the site. As per usual, none of the content has been changed in any way.

March 2003
Mike,

Saw your website. Interesting indeed. Well, I'm a bit of a loner myself (a slim one, without glasses), mostly because my views mainly contradict the rest of society. I'm nearly 31, and guess what? Oh well, what does it matter that I've never had sex?

The thing is, I'm seeking (on and off) an encounter with God through the Bible. Whatever happens in this life, as long as things are OK after I die, that is all that will matter.

No, I'm not a Bible-thumping evangelist, but I thought I'd say this anyway. It's a very difficult life on the whole but good things happen every now and then to make it bearable.

Good luck,
Jon.

 

In order to avoid the hate mail stack from getting larger I will not comment on the religious side of things at all. I will say however that it helps to get support from people in my situation. Thirty one year old virgin's by choice however are not in my situation. Like me they want to have sex with hot chicks, but they don't because of the fear that some cosmic father figure will send them to burn forever for doing the horizontal tango with a stripper named Candy. I on the other hand don't have sex with hot chicks because Candy won't return my calls. Slight difference.

Somehow I still think I'll get some hate mail for this one. I will tell you Jon that if you're happy that's all that matters and no one has to agree with your beliefs to make them right for you. I mean hey I'm asking for sex on the internet, who am I to judge?

March 2003
Mike,

I can't understand what your problem is. Every other night of the week, I find myself having to turn down sex. I don't even remember the amount of times I have been laid. If you should ever land in New Jersey, you would find yourself a most welcome guest in my home. I just don't have it in me anymore. To quote Sid Vicious, "Sex is boring, ugly, hippie shit."

And yes, confidence is the key. You could knock every tooth out of your mouth and so long as you were confident, you'd win the prize. However, you're all wrong looking for hot chicas that you've noted in bars and clubs.
Most of them are all label whores who can't fuck worth a damn.

The best girls in the whole world are librarians and factory drill press operators, in that order.

You could also take up smoking, or pursue a dedicated drug or alcohol habit. The aforementioned seem to help with the idea of procreation all while killing you faster. Just a thought.

Good luck!

The Retro Obscene
www.longdivision.popflux.com

Sifting through the perverts, idiots, and religious freaks who write me it is a welcome change to actually read an interesting and humorous e-mail. I probably won't be in Jersy any time soon but I will take your advice. The only problem is I live in the asshole of America, L.A. I know the best place to meet women isn't the bars or clubs, in fact I've struck out at grocery stores, food courts, even at a Jiffy Lube while getting my oil changed.

Telling me to just be confident around women is like me handing you a cape and putting you in a bull fighting ring. I don't know how I got here, I don't know what I'm doing, and I think these pants are too tight. I'll see if this internet thing works out and if not I'll keep the drug addict screwing a librarian idea in mind.
Thanks for the advice,
Mike

March 2003
Awed by the website. Your designer did good by you. The bleak bachelor apartment on grey thing works. Did he also make you a "need to get laid" set of business cards? Ok, here's my advice: Get a pet, don't do anything
unnatural with it. Just enjoy its company and use it for chick bait.

--some girl

Actually he didn't make me any business cards but he did make this site which I'm incredibly happy with. I'd say anyone interested in a website should check him out. www.paperraincoat.com.
As far as the dog goes my land lord doesn't allow pets.

March 11th, 2003
It seems I've received so much mail I crashed a server or something so I can't get my e-mail so no responses today. For more info check the journal.

March 12th, 2003
From an email titled "the solution"

1) Exercise.
2) Shave your hair REALLY short.
3) Stop being gay.

Hope that helps.
Ryan

I started running two days ago. Granted I only made it about three blocks but that's good for a start. Oh yeah and I'm ugly, not gay. Gay guys attract women.

March 14th, 2003
Mike
Please don't let the fact that I'm a multi-platinum selling recording artist deter you from my advice. Some of my most famous songs come from your exact problem (e.g.: "You Give Love a Bad Name") The early 90's brought a hard time for me, clearly the world was over the big hair cock rock look and I wasn't ready to cut my curly afro off. But at the end of the day, I was a sexy rock star with a shit load of money, and good looks!
Mike, I hope my advice helped.

Your Friend
Jon Bon Jovi

Dear Mr. Jovi,
I found your advice to be extremely helpful. I feel that we've finally "buried the hatchet." Sorry about all those letters but like I said, slippery when wet was radical. Keep up the good work.

--Mike

Marth 13th, 2003
This is a little three e-mail dialogue between me and a guy who will be kept annonymous. In place of his name I have substituted "Ass clown." These e-mails go as followed.

You are a significant waste of space and I bet you could earn more money from people if you decided to cut your dick off. More people are likely to feel sorry for you if you didn't have a dick rather than being a square of sorts. I hope if you ever do have sex, she has a scortching case of herpes and burns your mouth and crotch with cold-sores until you die of aids. How many people do you think give enough of a shit about you to pay for your website, including your mom? I don't thnk many.
Why don't you get a job? Your lazy ass spends all day playing videogames and jacking off, you should take a shower, brush your teeth, and go get a job. You could get a job at taco bell, which you seem to lvoe so much, but you would probably have too much fun with the sour creme gun. Eat shit.

Sincerely
Ass Clown

Dear Ass Clown,
Eat shit and die.
Love,
Mike

Marth 14th, 2003
Dear Mike,
Truth hurts, doesn't it, you fat piece of crap.
Ass clown

Marth 24th, 2003
Due to the total destruction of my roommates computer I no longer have any of my e-mail backed up. There's a certain girl in Ireland that I was about to post (If you're reading this write me back) and a few others that I thought deserved some consideration. As I read through the new mail I'll post the funny stuff.

April 10th, 2003
The following is an e-mail sent from my first charity case. The e-mail is in its entirity and has not been edited or changed, or spell checked for that matter.

Hey Mike, this is Brandon just checking in and giving you the 411 on whats been going on. I just wanted to thank you for you help and your decision to put me on your website. You wouldn't believe what it has done for me already after just two weeks of being up. You are the man and if I could shake your hand I would. So check this out. This girl that apparently goes to the same campus as me, went to your site, then under mine, and then somehow recognized me at school. First off I didn't even know girls use the internet, but then to top of that went to my site and then tracked me down. Apparently we walk a similar path during school hours and I looked familiar to her.

One day, I think it was friday, she, we'll call her "Malissa" for now, (I don't know if she wants her name out there) came up to me and said "Is your name Brandon". I told her yes and she said she had been to my site and has read everything on zerosexlife.com and thinks its a great site, and mine as well. I thought to myself, sweet, I have a fanbase, well, atleast a fan. To make a long story short, we talked for a good while and arranged to hang out in my basement later that evening. I bought enough alcohol to get 15 girls drunk, but the funny thing was, I didn't have to pull any tricks or anything, she said she had planned on doing it with me to help our cause. I thought that was the coolest thing in the world, of course I didn't believe her, so every time she wasn't looking I would pour more alcohol into her drink.
(I'm kidding, come on, I'm a stand up guy) In any case, this girl was like mountain lion in bed,( I haven't slept with a mountain lion, but I assume it would bite and scratch) But she shredded our cloths off and destroyed me. That was the best sex I have ever had and I owe it all to you, plus I made her call me mike just once in your honor. Plus now I have a few emails from girls in the area that would like to meet me, if this is what I have to look forward to, then my luck has finally changed, and its because of the raw kindness in your heart mike. Thanks again mike, your new pal, Brandon Steele

Life is so unfucking fair.

April 14th, 2003
hey mike,
the website is cool, and i appreciate the situation you are in. i am
from texas where i had no problem in the world gettin laid. but when i
moved here to l.a. in 1994 it was like i could not find a piece of
ass.......and i have had some luck , but nothin like back home. i have
gone back home for visits and vacations and i have no problem gettin
the ladies to my room. but here, something is missing and i am just as
bedazzled as you. the trick for us regular guys is to target women
with low,very low self esteem. look for the chick with her head down
alot or troll dairy queen. chicks with low self esteem search out ice
cream) i have found this strategy to work some of the time.

good luck,
lonley Texan

This email represents about a good portion of the email I get from L.A.

For some reason it seems every guy in L.A. has problems getting women in L.A. but in other states and countries they have no problem at all. Now I know Los Angeles has a reputation across the nation and around the world for being filled with shallow egotistical people who would do anything to get ahead, but that's only because it's true.

O.K. not everyone, but I've lived in 9 cities in 6 states and if you were going to give America an enema you'd shove the hose right in Hollywood. Before I moved here I never heard of a woman asking a guy in a bar what kind of car he drives in order to decide whether or not she would go home with him. By the way "Honda Civic" isn't a good answer.

April 15th, 2003
To be honest, I don't remember how I stumbled onto your site. It was probably due to some drunken web search brought on by lack of sex, but for whatever reason I'm glad I did. You and I fight the same battle. I, too,
am a shy and overweight enough to make it difficult to see past it guy who
has trouble meeting women. I have a big heart that often leads to my demise and a self-depricating sense of humor.

But I try. I do my damnedest to fight past the "you're like a big brother"
to me phase of relationships with the fairer sex and get into the "you
excite my mind and body come fuck me now" phase. It isn't often successful, but I try.

So thank you, Mike, for putting it all out there on the line, for sharing
your trials - both failures and successes.

Best of luck to you, man.

sps

April, 18, 2003
Hi, Yeah so I've seen your site and I hear your plight and if I was in the US
i'd sleep with you (I can say that because I'm not) Guys think girls have it easy when it comes to getting laid but to be honest its bollocks unless you're willing to have sex with any sort of loser, and any guy is in the exact same situation - i.e. they could have sex with any old slapper. You probably get a lot of advice, and I don't really know you so I can't identify your exact problems, I'm usually pretty good at giving advice when I do though, but I'll throw in my 2 cents worth anyway. I think its probably too obvious what you're doing, girls like to think guys are respecting them and they're not trying to sleep with them - I think when you actually respect a woman they notice (like the laundry woman - shame about the outcome of that but hey you went on the radio). As a girl this is what I'd like to see anyway, I'm not interested in some good-looking moron trying to get in my pants, I'd rather meet some genuine guy. Depends if you're desperate for a shag or actually want a girlfriend. If
desperate for shag, just lower your standards.

Girl from England

 

It seems every girl who writes me says they want a genuine guy rather than some good looking guy who is trying to get into their pants. I'd like to
consider myself a genuine guy, I've very regularly been the "Great friend"
who drives across state lines in the middle of the night to bail a friend
out of jail. I created this site because everyone says that's what they
want, but from the experiences of myself and those of the hundreds who've written in, it seems like the politically correct thing to say but no one really lives by it. It's the same as saying you'd return a bag of money
you found on the road or that you'd wait twenty years if your significant
other was in a coma. "Why can't I find a nice genuine guy?" My response,
"Try opening your eyes." You're probably friends with a guy who would
treat you like a queen for the rest of your life but you're too busy
fawning over the frat boy belching the national anthem to notice.

I don't know if I'll meet anyone through my site, time will tell. In addition to helping me out the purpose of the site is to get people to think. I started the site to help myself get some chicks but the site has kinda changed since than. Right now (In addition to getting me a chick) my goal is to help out some nerd who's been fantasizing about the girl he's been friends with for years. If she stumbles on my site one day and it makes her think enough that maybe she gives him a chance than all this is worth it. (All of this minus being poisoned. No one is worth that.)
My challenge I propose to you is to give some english bloke a chance. Maybe you have a friend who you haven't given a chance. I know full well I could be wrong and the fact that you wrote me in the first place makes me think I may be preaching to the choir. I'm just trying to help the less desirable get a chance. Well I look forward to reading your response. Thanks for taking the time to write me.

Mike

April 22, 2003
Hi Mike,
I found your website liked to a relationship board I visit. Your story sort of resonates with me because when I was your age I was just starting my own 3.5 year dry spell.
From time time when I was 19 until I was married when I was 33, I have had 14 different lovers. In the first 10 years of that, I had exactly 4 lovers, and 10 in the last 4 years.
Of those first 4, three of them were one night stands, and the last occurred when I was 24 when I was picked up by an older woman(she was 40, I was 24). Of course when it finally ended after a few months I was right
back where I started from, and stayed there for the next 3.5 years.
I remember forcing myself to ask at least 10 different women to dance each night I went out, only to get 10 rejections in a row. How pathetic is that? I tried answering adds in the newspaper. I must of answered dozens of adds, and the only response I ever got was from one woman who sent me a letter back telling me she wasn't interested and returning my picture. I placed my own adds, and I met one lovely and attractive woman, who spent the first date telling me what a bastard her last boyfriend was, then dumped me on the second to run back to him. I even went to a match making service that guaranteed me 5 matches, I only got one, and that was only one date, and she said she had met someone else. I figured I could get screwed if I went to this match making service, I was but I was hoping for something a little more literal.
I had been rejected in almost every way you can imagine, from women waving engagement rocks under my nose, telling me they were busy and busy and busy hoping I'd "get the hint", to giving me phone numbers to disconnected lines or once an old age home, some have tried to let me down easy, others looked at me and said "Me go out with YOU???" like it was some unforgivable sin, and of course who can forget the favorite lie of women everywhere "lets just be friends." Ever notice that none of them ever really want to be friends after delivering that line?
After a while you start to feel like the troll everyone in your old high school tried to make you out to be. Hell I knew one guy who was so pathetic that he actually broke down and started to cry at a party saying "I just want some human contact." Thank God that wasn't me, I'd already started my climb out of that God Forsaken place by then.
If you want, I can share with you some of the insights I have learned over the years. You can take them as Pearls of wisdom, or as a grain of salt, it's up to you.

Regards,
Steve

Steve's story has become an all to familiar one. I've gotten dozens of e-mails (Although some much less articulate) of guys who sound like they were me at my age. All of them have one thing in common, they were extremely depressed and compared their lives to either hell or a concentration camp. They also hope that I don't end up having to go through it myself. Reading his e-mail I am reminded why I started this site in the first place.

April 24, 2003
From another human being trying to make himself. your honest, self-deprecating perspective is not only entertaining but refreshing. thank you for inviting me into your universe.

--Alex

 

April 29th, 2003
Hey,
Your site is incredibly slick and addictive. You're incrediby funny and you're a fantastic writer. All the same, reading it is so self-destructive - it really makes me want to hang myself, or something.

--some girl

O.K. I thought like posting a little pat on the back. Yea it seems there are some girls who really like my site, but still no luck for the Mike.

 

May 3, 2003
Christ, good luck with the whole getting laid. I have a girlfriend who says that as soon as her vaginal warts clear up, she's ready for some sweet, sweet disappointment. After reading your buck to get fucked article, I bet anything would sound good. Anyways, good luck kid.

 

Anonymous

 

May 26, 2003
Many people have asked me why I haven't posted any of the mail I've gotten recently. Simple, although I get a lot of mail I rarely get something worth posting. Either I get a five page story or something very similar to things I've already posted. In addition I was busy working on re-doing parts of the site (Like adding the scrap book, getting rid of the Charity Cases, New Progress log, etc.) Although I've been busy and haven't gotten much worh posting, today is an exception.
I've never posted a copy of a letter I've gotten from my P.O. box before but I think this one is worth it. I received this letter a few days ago but didn't want to post it until after I was able to get a hold of the author and ask if it was alright to post. I got that confirmation today. So without further delay here is what welcomed me at my P.O. box three days ago.

Mike-
I like your site. Heres the $1.00 you wanted. I put 2 in because I like your page design... the heading pictures are pretty cool. I know I'm such a big spender, ha. Sorry about the lady troubles... I'm afraid I can't help you out in that department.
All I can say is keep at it... Perserverance is a admirable trait... so is humor. And as many times life ass rapes you (excuse the expression)...keep smileing, ha. I was bored tonight so I decided to take naked polaroids of myself. It's odd looking a pictures of your naked body. I have learned that I have lopsided boobs and enough rolls to feed a family of 5 @ KFC. Also that it is very difficult, if not impossible to take a picture of your own ass. It's kind of exciting sending naked pictures to a complete stranger... kind of a cheap rush of adrenaline.

Best wishes~
A 18 year old college chick

You can imagine my surprise when I opened my only piece of mail from my P.O. box and naked photos of a hot college chick dropped to the floor. It made my month. I thought I was harsh on myself until I read the letter and saw how she discribed herself. Before you ask I'll just say now I can't post the pictures on the site. The only way I could post anything with any nudity is if my site logo or name is clearly in the shot so that it's clear to the person who is having their picture taken that it's there. Otherwise I might get photos from angry boyfriends pretending to be the girl in the photo and I get sued for posting it. Anyway nothing brightens your day like naked photos of a hot chick. Any other hot chicks who want to send them feel free.

June 15th, 2003
Hey Mike.
I stumbled upon your site when I was looking for... uh... dating advice on
the good ol' net. I'm rapidly approaching 20, and have never even had a
date with a girl... let alone have done the horizontal mambo with one...
even one that deflates for easy storage. Like you I find myself paralyzed
from the waist down with an Xbox controller in my hands when I would much rather be finding a member of the fairer sex. And even when those brief moments when hell freezes over produces a girl that actually wants me, she ends up being around 16-17... Stupid statutory rape laws. I'd rather be celebit than be passed around a prison like currency.

To put it plainly, keep up the hunt. There are roughly 3 billion women out
there. Take out lesbians and the unattainable and you've got about a
million left. There's gotta be at least 5 that would sleep with you. And
thats 5 times more than what there is for me.

-The incredible edible nate

 

I like Nate's style. If I ever do achieve my goal maybe I'll turn the site over to him. We're not completely alike though. I usually find myself paralized with a playstation 2 controler in my hands rather than an xbox.

June 16th, 2003
Hey.
I just watched a Jim Carey interview, and this is what stuck: He said. "You
can be what ever you want if you don't expect results". I do not commend your on your plight, nor do I ridicule it. In some ways you are sexist, and in other ways I can see how it sucks to be you. But do you know how you have redeemed yourself and what separates you from all the other losers trying to get laid? It is your complete lack of lies, you aren't living in a dreamland. I RESPECT the fact that you aren't in denial.
You say things as how they are. Other guys in your situation would never
create a site like yours, they'd just make up some bullshit about how they
scored last night when in reality the closest they got to some hot piece o'
ass was watching the lesbian chick from big brother taking a piss.
Some people say that we are all equal. That is complete and utter bullshit.
YOU sir, see so clearly. You make no excuses for your lameness, or the fact that some people are getting laid and you're not. You're not afraid to admit it. You openly guarantee that if you attempt, you'll get knocked back. What is so wrong with our society is that we try to ignore or cover up, block out the fact that the person sitting next to you has a far better chance of getting laid, or getting the promotion or in general being "a cooler person" just because they're them and you're you. I see fat chicks wearing tight clothes, or revealing their midriffs. THEY'RE IN COMPLETE DENIAL!! I see so many examples like this on TV, people I know, even myself. Everyone is so scared to say "I am shit at this" or "My life will never be as fulfilling as that persons over there because there is no aspect of my self that is capable of such things" (getting laid regularly, winning over a crowd etc etc). None of this applies to myself of course, I can get laid whenever I want to.By the way, think of it from a girls perspective. Would you want to fuck you?
I like your sense of humour. One last tip: Don't bother with trying to pick
up in bars. Unless she comes over to you, or has made outright obvious
flirting contact with you within the first minute, she's only going to be
using you for drinks. Then she'll sneak out the door when you've gone to the loo. Trust me, I am that girl.

From a hot australian girl.

P.S that woman from the gym whose mouth dropped when you called him a dick or whatever, is lame. Try and find some average looking girl with a similar sense of cynical humour as you. Go to a comedy club or something. You never know, you might find someone to make love to, not just a fuck.

Due to the virus that claimed my e-mail anyone that I sent a request for permission to post your e-mail please send me a copy of the e-mail as well as what name you would like to appear on the site.

July 17th, 2003
Found your site by following the link from Craigslist LA marked "Orgy"
(which I'm sure gives you a really, really inaccurate picture of me.
What can I say, I was desperately curious as someone who would post
such a simple, straightforward request.)

I have to say (as a person who considers herself independent,
enlightened and, yes, a feminist): go you. Honesty is pretty damn
refreshing. Now, if you were one of those guys who is just looking for
their perfect soulmate, and their soulmate is this height, with these
measurements, well... (To be fair, apparently chicks do this as well,
but I don't read their personals.)

And I'll match you every female friend you've ever had who dated guys
who cheated on her with every male friend I've ever had who ever mooned over a gorgeous girl and complained to me how she only dated jocks who treated her badly, while I sat there quietly going, "Um. Hello! RIGHT HERE!"

Good luck.

 

Name withheld

July 18th, 2003
Either you are a genious or a fucking savant. In either case I
appreciated your web site. And will be checking in on your success. You
represent a failing art, true honesty. Keep up the good work! I laughed
my ass off!!
Bob

 

July 22nd, 2003
My apologies to the hard core fans who say I never update this page. I've gone back through what wasn't lost in the last virus to destroy my computer and posted the e-mails I got permission to post. I may post more as I go back through them and as people respond to my e-mails asking permission to post.

Date unknown, lost journal entry
Hey,
Your site is incredibly slick and addictive. You're incredibly funny and you're a fantastic writer. All the same, reading it is so self-destructive - it really makes me want to hang myself, or something.

--some girl

September 19th, 2003
As some of you may have noticed over a month of my guest book has disappeared. I accidentally dragged the wrong document on to my site set up and replaced the most recent guest book with one from June. I'm trying to find some of the e-mails I posted but I've got a lot to look through. I'll put them up as I find them.

September 20th, 2003
actually found your site while looking for scorpion women to fuck. used
google, hell if i know why your site turned up.

do you beat off alot?

Dan

Hi Dan,
It's always good to hear from my hard core fan base. Truth is I get a fair amount of people who find my site through search engine mishaps. For example the following are the top fifteen searches that people did before finding my site.

1. sex life
2. sex help
3. sex
4. sex for cash
5. zero sex life
6. sex guy
7. auto sex
8. actress faruza bulk
9. all girls school harassment
10. balding
11. cash sex
12. brownies that want to snail mail
13. best place to meet women los angeles
14. fecal Japan
15. Grand theft auto hooker sex

To respond to your other question, what exactly is a lot?

In response to journal entry Wednesday September 24th, 2003
...reminded me of around 3 years ago, when I was coming back from the burger place with a burger and chips (fries, I think you guys call them), and I was called by an old lady neighbour from her doorstep for assitance with her husband. I got in there, her husband was on the floor.

Dead.

Naked, too.

Naked, dead old guy. With wee down his legs. In this flat (apartment) that seemed it hadn't been even vaguely tidied, let alone cleaned, for like 10 years. So I dug around and found a phone, called an ambulance. Woman on 999 kept telling me to start artificial respiration... so I kept trying to whisper "he's very *cold*" without the old lady hearing, and she keeps asking me if her husband's dead or not.

Ambulance took ages. I made a half hearted attempt to look like I was gonna do artificial respiration, after much effort rolling over this old, fat, naked guy, his head sort of lolls around. One eye open, one eye shut, the eye staring at me like something from a horror movie above the false teeth sort of half in, half out his mouth.

Heck, he was dead.

Eventually, ambulance crew turn up, drag him unceremoniously into a
clear--ish patch of floor, check his heart, confirm he is long dead (whew, my conscience salved) and we all stood over him having this kind of weird conversation where I kept saying "I really don't know anything, I've never met them before".

And I felt real sorry for the old lady in her ramshackle apartment, who had no family or friends she could think of, and who volunteered the useful information...

"My other husband died last week".

We never did get to the bottom of that. Anyhow, eventually I got home, but I somehow couldn't face the burger and chips.

Guess I'm just saying that I think I'd have preferred a drunk transvestite :)

ATB with the site, always enjoy it, and ATB with the getting some thing.

from London, Ukay.

I am simply without the words. (O.K. a little lazy too, but still without the words)

September 25th, 2003
OK - I am not a super model, but I loved your site so much that I would do ya. Anyway, I just noticed that your in L.A. and I'm in Seattle. So Sorry So Sad.
Peace*
CW

AAAAHHHHHHGGGG!!!!! That's the third one this week!

 

September 26th, 2003
Dude, Try "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" Really It's all confidence. I'm ugly and poor but I can still get chicks because I don't act ugly and poor. If you can't be Rich or good looking you can always defer to cool. Anybody can be cool with a little work. Get some Tattoos and piercings, be a bad boy. Get a look. The bad boy look is easier to pull
off when your poor. Learn an instrument and join a band. Band=chicks. Most of all get off your ass and change your life! Stop eating junk food, start working out and stop excepting that your just an inept loser! Work with what you got. look around and you'll find fat ugly looser with cute chicks all over the place.
"fear is the mind killer"
Ses from MA

I have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever and barely have enough time to write my site let alone practice. Also tattoos just aren't for me. I have problems commiting to a haircut, let alone a permanent piece of art on my body. Now as far as, "Queer eye for the straight guy" goes I'll just say once and for all, no thanks. I don't want to show my face on TV. I'd prefer not to be known as "That loser who can't get laid." I enjoy writing this site and don't mind sharing my life as long as it's fairly anonymous but I'd prefer if people didn't see me on the street and go, "Hey it's that guy who can't get laid to save his life, honey get the camera!" As far as the working out I started again recently, I'll keep you posted on how that works out for me.

 

September 30th, 2003
Well, Mike - my friend sent me your site and said it was funny and pathetic - and he was right. He works for a big company who we all know and I won't say, lest his VP sees this and fires him - as all he does all day is surf the internet and forward jokes. Ditto here. ( :

Anyhoo - I just want to tell you to never lose hope. 24 is a bad age to be. When you're 16, you can't wait to be 24. You think you'll have some great job, a nice car, live in a cool city and do what you want - and then you turn 24 - and POOF - you're YOU! My sister was a fat nerd in high school and now that she's 33, people stare at her everywhere she goes and asks if she's a model. ( : No lie!

Listen, I am no beauty but I ain't bad to look at - you can ask my husband or better yet - here is a picture of me and some of my friends. I am the tall brown haired girl on the end. As I said, I don't look like the hot blonde in the middle (my friend April) but I am no dog, either and I have had plenty of boyfriends. My point is that attractiveness is a whole slew of things - not just how you look on the outside. Your sense of humor is great and I once dated a guy for two years who I actually thought was you when I saw this web site. He was short and chubby but he was so funny and cute. Eventually I lost interest - but hey - the point is - start exercising because you can't help what your face looks like but you don't have to be a fat slob. Go to the clearance rack at Old Navy and get you some clothes. My husband looks great and I buy ALL his clothes there - $10 shorts, $5 t-shirts...Even if you work at Taco Bell, you can afford that - and let girls see how cool you are and eventually, you'll get one. Now I know you live in LA and they ain't gonna be flocking to you because I believe you when you say people are shallow and materialistic out there - DUH! I watch E! and read People. Your best bet would be to move East but if you're poor, I guess you don't have many options.

My thing is, I have dated fat guys, tall guys, short guys, skinny guys, old guys, whatever. It's all about thinking that person is cool and having some respect. If you don't respect yourself, no girl is going to respect you and you ain't gonna get no poontang. Be proud of your self-deprecating sense of humor - clean yourself up and get motivated! It takes work to get a woman and any woman that doesn't make you work for it isn't worth having!

Good luck!

Name Withheld

I decided to post this as an example of the kind of e-mail I usually get. Sometimes things are different, someone might suggest I go to Target instead of Old Navy or tell me about the amazing quality of clothing at goodwill, but the points are roughly the same. "Here's a photo of me, I'm hot. I've dated trolls like you in the past because they were funny. Ironically I live in another state or country and/or am currently married. Too bad for you, just be yourself and you'll get a woman. Feel free to post this e-mail just don't put my name or photo on your site." Not that these e-mails don't motivate me, but it's kind of like writing one of those kids in Ethopia that you can feed for less than the price of a cup of coffee (Which at Starbucks can run you $4.50) and you telling them how you own a restaurant where kids eat free. Does a starving child in a third world country want to know that you let kids have all the cheeseburgers and pizza they can eat? Not really. All they can do is rub their empty bellies and think of how great it would be if you opened a restaurant near them. O.K. I'm getting hungry. Time for some Papa John's.

October 2nd, 2003
Mike,
Wow, where to start?

Your the greatest. I wish all the luck in the free world.
I'm 24 years old, me and my girlfriend broke up a few months ago... (i know, at least i had one right?). Mike, I've been with 10 women. I compare that with some of my more "attractive friends" who are in their 20's and 30's, and it seems kind of low.. Keep in mind they only "hit 10's" I've been with ALL sorts of women.. Skinny attractive, skinny cute, short petite and crazy, big women, young mothers, super easy women, and plain ol' crazy. I was in the Army for 3 years, and my roommate taught me that it is "All about the numbers." The more notches you can get on your belt the better... hmmmm i'm not sure where I was going with this.... As you can tell I'm not the talented writer you are.

I'm short, mexican, and have always thought, "What woman would want me?" (well i guess there was 10 of them at least huh?)

You NEVER hear women say to each other." Ohh girl look at that fine ass
short mexican guy over there.." Women have high standards, this i know.
But i would like to pass upon you a GOLDEN NUGGET of Information.
Mike, understand that what im giving you is real gold here, and I've only given this to 2 people in life,...If you do post this letter please omit this part, because i feel this is only for the truly deserving.

(Major chunk of the most original and dare I say it, good advice I've gotten to date omitted as requested)

Mike allow me to say on more thing. I know where you are, and it sucks.. but things will get better. I know how some successful people will give you advice that you know won't work. My old roommate use to tell me to be a jerk. But that advice worked for HIM, cuz he was attractive.. i could do the EXACT same thing as he did, but i'll get nowhere. That's something those people will never understand.

Also, your a better man than I am. I have reverted to being "Angry Rey." Angry at all females for constantly saying that looks are unimportant, and just want to be treated good. but then you see them being treated like shit by some good looking guy... I hate all women now, they deserve the shitty life they create for themselves.. There are a few good ones, but few and far between. So like I said, your a better man than me, for not letting the anger get to you.

Well I should end this before it gets worse.

Your Karma-Police Director,
Rey M

Hey Rey,
You say I'm the one with the writing talent but I think you communicated something perfectly that I haven't been able to, how "being an asshole" works for good looking guys but not so well for the rest of us. I've gotten a lot of e-mail from people telling me to be an asshole but there's just no way I can pull it off. The next time I go out I'm going to try your method. It seems both simplistic and genius at the same time. I'll keep you updated as to how it goes.

You sound a little bitter and I know how it feels. There are a lot of asshole guys trying to lie their way into a girl's pants and there are a lot of women who say they want a nice guy but sleep with the one who doesn't call. That doesn't mean that's all people. There are a small percentage of guys who tell women they aren't looking for just sex and they mean it, the same as there's a small percentage of women who say that looks are less important than personality and mean it. In both scenarios the people occasionally believe their own lies but actions speak louder than words. At one point I wasn't too far from where you are now but the one thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that there are good people out there. Most have dealt with so many assholes or bitches that they have become a little disheartened as well but they still exist. O.K. this is getting a little too preachy. I'm goin' to go have a cherry coke and watch some porn. Take it easy Rey.

Mike

October 2nd, 2003
I'm glad you're working on putting up some new material, which as of Thursday afternoon still hasn't been up. But that aside, let me tell you something about me and your journal. Reading these entries makes me feel good about myself. Yes, I am a college guy, on a campus full of erotic and scandalous women which I might add, who can't get laid. I'm sorry man, but knowing someone else suffers more in that dept. makes me feel like I can grab the world in my hand, and squeeze the life out of it, and then throw its lifeless corpse on the ground. I'm getting beyond the point though, not only do I enjoy reading journals about a poor sap's zerosexlife, but I depend on them. A new entry is what I look forward to every day. I check on your site twice or even THRICE a day, only to find no new material, and have the rest of my day become a living nightmare. Well, I might be a little melodramatic here, but you get the point. Furthermore Mike, I
already made it through the "Great Depression" of August, and I feel the economy hasn't picked up yet. August was especially tough on me and the young ones, and the August entries haven't been displayed yet. September has been slow as well...MIKE! its October already, something must be done...i've read that you sometimes spend large amounts of time on the tv or a playstation or whatever. Use that time to write something man. Pace yourself- 2 hours playstation, 5 min. updating, 4 hours playstation, 5 min. of updating. and look, a total of 10 minutes worth of new material for the world to enjoy. Well, I believe I speak for all your readers, and at least myself. Hope to see something new. Oh yeah, i'm a broke college student so don't ask for a donation, because im broke. Good day to you, sir.

It's good to know someone out there is getting some use out of my site. As far as the updating goes I am trying to be better about it. I don't want this to turn into one of those blogs where someone updates the site three times a day to tell you that they cleaned out their refrigerator and found a miscellaneous bag of mold juice in the crisper. I'd rather write every two or three days with a single entry of the funniest or most interesting thing to happen over a few days. Given the choice of quality vs. quantity I'll have to go with quality.
However, since I've gotten a lot of requests like this I am going to make some amendments to the way I update my site. From now on I'm going to try to post SOMETHING on my site every day or every other day. I will post at the top of the scrap book what page has the most recent update. I don't want to let the quality of the site go down so some material may only sit on my site for two days before I delete it. (Which I will do if it's not funny enough or interesting enough.) Other material that is good enough will stay on my site permanently. I hope this helps you get your zero sexlife fix without me having to write about how much I hate traffic or just beat Silent Hill 2.

 

For reasons I can't go into all e-mail after October 4th has been removed from the site. Thanks for reading.