Saturday December 6th, 2003 (Late Night)
Plan in Action
We picked a club that wasn't too posh but had a good mix of well off and up scale. Dan and I drove by the line slowly at about 10:45 making sure everyone saw us. "Big Pimpin'" thumped from the brand new Cadillac attesting to both our wealth and status for all the ladies in a three block radius. Dan even joked that he saw one of the girls panties spontaneously fall to the ground when she saw us roll up on the crowd. Of course over confidence has always been his domain.
Admittedly the status of this particular club wasn't the only reason we chose it. A long time friend of Dan's is also one of the bouncers of this fine establishment. We walked right past an hour wait in line and into a world I was never meant to enter. This particular club was home to a host of walking stereotypes and wolves in sheep's clothing. Dan told me about a guy who hangs out here who used Kinko's to make up fake business cards that said he was a casting agent. No doubt he's looking for some corn fed mid-west pageant girl whose only accomplishment was that years earlier she was crowned princess Kay of the Milky Way and had her head carved out of butter. She may have been the hottest thing to ever come out of some dinky two thousand person town in Nebraska, but now she's one bounced check away from staring in a second rate porn in Canoga Park. Tonight, it's my job to find her before fake business card boy.
Usually I don't result to deception but when no one wants the person you really are your only option is to become someone else. There are uglier guys than me in here with super models on their arms. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think it had more to do with the bulge in their wallet than their sense of humor, personality, or any other bullshit traits that women say they want while they're jumping into convertibles with assholes who won't call. I've had literally hundreds of e-mails telling me that if I want to get a woman I have to be an asshole and in the past I've said I just couldn't do it. Well tonight's my big attempt.
Two extremely attractive women we passed on our way in were now standing by the bar. Since the average drink in this place costs about twelve bucks, we decided to wait until they each had a drink before approaching them. (I might as well be economical about my rejection.) I suddenly find the English language strikingly inadequate when I attempt to describe how beautiful these two women were. I had no business being this close to them, let alone trying to talk to them. As we were debating what sounded like a better name for our fake production company, "Pork Sword Productions" or "Zero boy productions" someone tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around to find a young woman who looked like a cover girl for Maxim. She was dressed way too nice to be a waitress so I was a little confused as to why she was talking to me. "Excuse me, but did I see you at the premier for (Insert name of movie title I didn't recognize and have since forgotten here)?" Decision time.
Option A:
I could say yes, seem to have something in common with her, and try to work from there without her finding out I have no idea what the hell she's talking about.
Option B:
I could be honest and say no, try to keep the conversation going and see if I can keep things going.
Wow this was going to be a tough one. With little time to spare I chose option C, defer to Dan.
I tried to look like I was attempting to remember something and then turned my attention to Dan. I repeated the name of the movie she said and asked Dan if we went to the premier. The pressure was now off my shoulders and on Dan's. A crappy move I know, but I panicked. It was now all up to Dan. What ingenious statement was to come out of his mouth and save the day? "Dude like I fuckin' know, I don't know where we're at now." I just stood there a second, not the pearl of wisdom I was looking for. With that he set his drink down on a ledge next to me. "Watch my drink I'll be back." With that Dan walked off. Maybe to the bathroom, maybe to get a gun from the car to finish me off. At that point I don't know which I would prefer.
So here's the situation. I'm in a posh bar, well dressed, nursing a twelve dollar Tom Collins with an underwear model in front of me waiting for some sign of life. My wing man has just abandoned me and I'm trying to think of what I can say to someone who is so clearly out of my league. "It doesn't ring a bell but I'm not completely sure. Have we met before?" Hey it's the best I could do at the time. If I had an hour to come up with what to say, like when I'm typing out a journal entry, maybe I could be funnier or seem cooler but the fact was I was on the spot and trying to keep my head above water. "I think I've seen you around but we've never been formally introduced, I'm Amanda." with that she extended her hand. Usually at this point the fire alarm and sprinklers goes off and I wake up to my alarm clock only to find I've wet the bed. Since that hasn't happened yet, I decided to proceed to introduce myself.
We talked for about the next hour, she's an actress from Boston, and I made some vague references to working in the entertainment industry. Later I made even more vague references to writing and the internet.
I'm still getting used to the whole asshole dishonesty thing. I basically just told the truth and left out key things about me, like my crappy day job, crappy car, and having a website dedicated to getting laid.
I'm no actor, but I should get an Oscar for my performance tonight. To her I'm sure I appeared the pinnacle of a confident well off man. As I made amusing references to the film industry I'm sure she wasn't aware of the abnormal amount of sweat running down my inner thigh. The night ended in a way that it has never ended before. I had a girl's number, and Dan didn't.
